I have this theory about grief. It's very isolating.  Like, people can say, let me know what I can do for you. and I'm here to support you.  But it's this journey you have to take- of memories and love and anger and sadness. You can't stop it or modify it-  it's sorta like this movie that you have to sit and watch and wander when it's going to end.

Friday I spent the entire day crying.  At one point during my workout, I was sobbing. I kept thinking- what am I going to do without her? like, how are days suppose to pass when she isn't here. who is going to watch the boys grow? who is going to give ridiculously horrible Christmas presents, and adore the equally crappy presents I give them?

Saturday was okay- spent it going through stuff in Louisville. But Sunday, I spent the whole day angry.  Angry that people aren't who they claim to be. Angry that after being a daughter-in-law for 13 years, all I get is a condolence text, and excuse about a non-refundable weekend trip.  Angry about all the times that I'm ignore other people's grief. Angry about all the times when I wanted to ignore other people's grief, but I was sucked in.

I have lost my grandparents, but I wasn't very close with them, and for my mother's parents, I didn't even really like them.  Even from a young age, I could tell they were manipulative and at times hateful, and I had little tolerance for them.  For my father's parents, we saw them at holidays, but I didn't spend an ordinate about of time with them. So, when I lost them, it was sad, but I did not experience grief. I remember when my grandmother died when I was a freshman in college, one the girls from my dorm got me a card, and I thought it was such a particular gesture.  I know realize that likely her relationship with her grandmother was a lot stronger than mine.  I felt more sadness for my father when my grandmother and grandfather died, because I saw the pain he was having.

I did experience grief when Jeremy's sister died. and anger.  I did not know her well, and the interactions I had with her weren't pleasant.  But my grief came from his family's grief- the unjusticeness of a life lost and wasted, the horribleness of a crime, the loss of a sister and daughter before she even died- it was devastating. I actually lost my closest friend in pharmacy school because of her death- it was days after her passing, but the heartache that I could not shake like a fist around my heart-- it caused me to hide in the bathroom between classes and squeeze out horrible tears, so I would come back to class with something obviously amiss.  My friend turned to me and said "what is even wrong with you? she was just a druggie"- and then we stopped being friends- in that instance.  I never spoke to him again.  I still don't even think he understands why- several times he approached me and tried to talk to me--- but it was one of those things--- someone who I considered my closest friend at pharmacy school-- I was literally drowning in grief, and he couldn't sense it or sympathize with it- what is the benefit in being friends with someone like that? I realized that the extent of our friendship was being study buddies, and the hours we had spent together meant nothing. and I was done.

So, here is my 2nd round of grief in my life. Maybe I'll be lucky and kick the bucket before Jeremy and before any of the boys.  But I still have my dad- and I've gotten exponentially closer to the old fart since mom died, so that's not going to be any fun. My grandpa lasted until he was 95- hopefully I will have another 30 years to enjoy my father.