there's something that I can't put my finger on.  something that's bothering me.  I really hope that being off for maternity leave will be good for me.  I hope that it is amazing bonding time.

34 weeks and counting.

My sister and Aaden came to visit and spend the night, and later we even got to see Uncle Greg for a bit.

Very tiring.... my nap yesterday and today felt like I was hit by a bus both times when I woke up.  My lack of sleep is finally catching up to me.  I will be so glad when every single task isn't the hardest thing in the world.  just changing Wyatt's diaper is exhausting.

DId I mention that we got rid of our cable?  I thought I would miss it more, but there isn't really time to.  We don't ever sit and channel surf anymore.  and when I'm on maternity leave, I will catch up on reading like I did with Wyatt.

The baby has been very active.  Like, sticking his leg up over my rib cage active.  I hope this doesn't mean that he isn't going to be a restful baby.

for a month or two, Wyatt really hurt my feelings.  He would always pick Jeremy over me, and wouldn't show me much affection.  But the past 6 weeks or so, he has done a complete 180.  I don't know if I am doing anything different, but it is so nice to have sweet little boys again.  Maybe my patience has improved.  Maybe he was reacting to my first trimester inability to function and that's how he responded.

I have the rest of my appts scheduled until BBF gets here.  pretty exciting.

I have an amazing husband.  I about ripped off two of my toes tonight when I was picking up laundry and hit it on the corner of the wall.  Jeremy took care of me, Liam said he was sorry and asked if I wanted ice and Wyatt gave me a kiss.

You can't make men better than that.

blah.

My blood pressure was up at my ultrasound d on thursdY. And today I had two more contractions.  Hopefully this little mN will stay put for. Another 5 weeks.

Day off tomorrow, but I still might go in for a few hours.

Man, Wyatt is so sweet.  Today, every time I said "give me a kiss" he would come over, give me a kiss and then go find Liam and give him a kiss.  Not sure why, but in his 21 month old mind, that was the thing to do.

My sister

As the majority of you know, I am a worrier, and when I can't figure something out, it gives me huge anxiety.  Which is why, in the very early stages of this pregnancy, I literally had crippling anxiety worrying about if my sister was going to be there when the baby came.  I finally had to call and basically say "I really need you to be there."

With Liam, I had this entire birth planned out with me and Jeremy acting as a team to get this baby out.  I didn't want anyone else there, it was to be a time for me and him because we had trained for it with the Bradley classes.  Although it went exactly as I had planned, it never crossed my mind what we would do the first 24 to 48 hours postpartum.  The first hour after Liam was born was terrifying. We had already discussed if something happened with the baby, Jeremy would go with him. We didn't discuss what we would do with me.  Cue my sister... She was there, right when I needed her to be, helping me pump for the first time while Liam was in the nursery before he was transferred to the NICU. She was there with me to help calm me, to help me to the bathroom, to help me shower the next day, to go with us to the scariness of the NICU, to take our first family picture.

Although I needed her, it wasn't it Wyatt's birth that I truly appreciated how much I really NEEDED her.  With Wyatt's birth, I wanted her to actually be there.  We had been there, done that with the team  fields and I wanted her to be there this time to see.  But, because I had no idea I was progressing so quickly, when we left for the hospital, I told her I would call after I got checked. At that point I was thinking I was likely only a few centimeters dilated, and didn't want her to drive in the middle of the night when it could be several more hours.  Needless to say, when I got checked, 10 centimeters, 100% effaced and Wyatt makes his appearance at 18 minutes since walking into th hospital, she didn't make it to the birth. But she was there in a heart beat, and helped me through the shock. Listened to me say the same thing over and over again.

And the most important part.... That night... She stayed up all night. The entire night. Holding hthe baby. Waking me up to nurse, then holding the baby.  Jeremy was completely dead to the world, and I was in shock/ delirium and couldn't get my mind to stop working to get restful sleep, but in not position to hold the baby all night because I was so exhausted.  And Wyatt wanted to me held... What newborn baby doesn't? He needed a heartbeat and a cuddle and warm chest, and between my sister and I, he got that.  I don't know if my sister knows how much I appreciate that night, or her helping me again to take a shower the next day, but man, I couldn't have made it past those long hours without her.

So, fast forward to this birth.  I very selfishly need my sister. For me, for the baby.  I know she will be there when I need her and she will provide pure unadulterated love to the baby when I am a basket case postpartum.  She will cuddle and kiss and appreciate tiny fingers and little ears and wisps of hair and change tiny diapers while I recover physically and emotionally those first few hours post partum.

Thank you Rebecca for being there for me.  Thank you for moving your vacation so that you won't be away around my due date.  Thank you for driving in the middle of the night, for staying up all night and for loving me.

I adore you and am so thankful you are going to be there. There is literally no one else I trust enough, or want that could even come close to taking your place. I love you.

why I broke up with facebook

As you may have noticed, I have deactivated by facebook account.  I did this for a number of reasons.

#1. Relationships should be give and take.  I was doing a lot of giving and facebook was doing a lot of taking, but not vice versa.  Other people don't ever post things, nor do they comment on things like they use to.  But, then people in real life would make comments about my facebook posts and it creeped me out.  I made several posts and all I got were "likes."  sorta like a one sided conversation; people think what I'm saying is interesting, but not enough to contribute more than a click?

#2.  I regret some of my posts, or feel stupid about them, or too whinny, or what not. It was to point, I would write a post, stare at it a bit, and the delete it before I posted it.  That's not normal.

#3.  My daily life would be encompassed with thinking of witty facebook posts, rather than actually living it.

#4. I can't stand people who use facebook to sell things.  there are three of my friends who did this, and I finally had to block them from my newsfeed.

#5.  I hate facebook birthdays.  I never post on people's walls on their birthdays, and I always feel bad about it.  then tons of people come out of the woodwork and post on my wall, and it's nice and all, but what about the rest of the year when they ignore me, or just secretly read my facebook without feedback?

#6.  You form these uncomfortably close friendships with people you barely know by watching their page, but if you actually met them in person, it would be super awkward.  that isn't normal.

#7. Jeremy never posts anything sweet about me.  I know there are some people who hijack their husband's facebook and write their status, but I don't.  And he doesn't roll like that.  And it makes me sad.

The strangest thing?  I still look at Jeremy's facebook even though I only know a handful of his friends, and look at cute baby pictures, and stupid posts by ignorant people, and all that jazz. 

I feel bad, because I want to be able to post pictures of the new baby, but I don't want to get back into a relationship with facebook.  these past few weeks have been nice.  I don't feel obligated to check in every chance I get.

I remember the births of the boys very clearly.  Like, every contraction.  They were both one of the most amazing experiences of my life. So, when people talk about planned c sections or getting an epidural as soon as they can because it's crazy not to, it makes me a little sad.  Just because I know.

But now I know what it is like to go into labor unprepared. To fight it and to be scared.  With Liam  and Wyatt, I knew to walk and rock and breathe and thnk about the process of moving down and relaxing.

When I had those contractions last night and another one tonight, I was completely freaking out and thinking stop stop stop stop, and fighting it and it was one of the most painful things ever.  That's what women do who aren't trained for labor, and who are scared. They make it so much worse than it really is.  I have an appt on Wednesday and we will see what happens.  I don't want to go on bed rest, but I want this little man to finish baking.  It is scAry because I chugged water all day and rested and still had a really bad contraction again tonight and have been having Braxton hcks afterwards.  I'm super sensitive about my stomach and the boys don't understand when I basically tell them to not touch me.  Even though th brqxton hicks aren't full contractions and I can talk and do stuff through them, I can't stand to be touched on my stomach while one is going on.

Spent about two hours last night completely freaked out. We got home from the dollar theater and I started having contractions. Not, oh, here's some Braxton hicks, but full blown contractions, stop what I'm doing and can't talk through them.  I was also pooping like crazy which is a sign of labor too. The baby dropped down really low. I chugged water and took a shower and laid down in bed.  Pretty terrifying.  I haven't had any since about 11 last night, but I've been having Braxton hicks.

I'm not going to pick up Wyatt anymore and I'm pretty much putting myself on modified bed rest.  The only good things was the baby has been moving around like crazy the entire time, so I know he's fine.