Chris Blogs from LA

Quick post today, ladies and gents as I am on call at the West Los Angeles VA once again. Not a whole lot of new since last time. Lissa's still going to play practice 4 nights a week plus Sunday afternoons, so we have only had an hour or two to spend together on most nights. But, we take advantage of what we can. We saw Inglorious Basterds last night which was endlessly gruesome and ridiculously bloody (read, lots of scalping) but pretty entertaining. Not as good as Pulp Fiction clearly and really, I might prefer the Kill Bill series. But still a keeper.

Our air conditioner went to shit a few days ago, this at the beginning of a record heat wave with temps over the 100 mark in some areas. Luckily, our landlord is a decent guy and brought a portable unit over on Friday that has made all the difference. For a few days though, it was absolutely miserable in our apt. No word on when the permanent a/c is to be replaced.

Me, work-wise, I'm on Neurology inpatient right now and it blows ass. We have, on our team, 4 psych residents, 4 medical students, and two neurology residents which equates to sitting around doing jack all day waiting for consults that never come and not learning anything. At the hospital I'm at now, their neurology service is purely a consult service, so there's usually only 5 or 6 patients to round on in the morning on any given day. Absolutely worthless. But alas, 2 1/2 more weeks and I can get back to psych. I have inpatient UCLA psych next which should be much more satisfying.

Let's see, oh yes, social commentary on world happenings. Um... This couple that kidnapped the girl for 18 years are beyond my comprehension. News out today, however, is that the girl was working for him and had access to a phone and computer, so it will be interesting to see what kind of brainwashing was going on to keep her quiet. How they can plead not guilty in court is beyond me.
LA fires are abound, as the heat has been increased and the atmosphere dry, but none of them are anywhere near us. I did smell smoke this morning for the first time, but that seems to be a wide-spread phenomenon at the moment. There's a Hurricane headed towards Baja that won't give us any problems, but might actually bring some rain which will help the fires. It hasn't rained but maybe one sprinkle and one cloudy day since we've been here. It's always cloudy in the morning until around 8:00 when all clouds go away and the sun takes over. Something about the 'marine layer' from the ocean which lets all the plants stay pretty and flowering.

Hmm, I guess that's all I'll say for now. If it gets unbearably boring later on, maybe I'll dump some more mindless drivel on here later. Hope all is well in KY and give the dogs scratches for me. Zippy too.

It's like I start the week on Monday, and then random Thursday shows up. Where are the weeks going?

we were maybe going to go to the State Fair today, but that after reconsidering that the last time I went, it wasn't that enjoyable, we decided to stay home.

Jeremy ran 18.3 miles this morning. I slept in. I did go to the gym and burned 1000 calories on the ellipitical. I wanted to go for 2000, but Jeremy showed up and I felt guilty for making him stay at the gym has he had just ran 18.3 miles.

We later went to the bank, Greek festival, and Jeremy went and got new running shoes. and we ordered pizza and pigged out, watched iron man and I worked on finishing robinson crusoe which I think I have been working on for like 2 months.

right now I am drinking diet caffeine dr pepper with a straw and trying not to get hiccups.

Here's the deal.

I'm a big believer that you make your own happiness. No person, place, thing, or group can do it for you. With that said, I also believe that people can certainly bring you down. When my own world is falling apart, here's what I don't need:

-don't make me feel like you are only interacting with me because I have a job that will eventually make alot of money. If we haven't been close for years or ever for that matter, there isn't a reason why we should be close now
-on that same note, there is a problem when I feel like when I'm down, you feel secretly happy
-don't pretend we are friends and put on a game, but then make me feel extremely uncomfortable and upset when you hang out with everyone else except me after work
-when I am struggling, and you think you know I'm struggling, don't gossip about me behind my back. and then don't send me the gossip to read. if my marriage is falling apart, I don't want to be asked about it on facebook
-if something is going on with you (and I still don't know what it is), don't bring me down with you. I'm emotionally unstable and have severe anxiety at times, and when i go down I go down hard. And I'm the only one who can get me back up, and it's alot of work and effort and the recovery is not easy.
-don't ignore me and make me feel like I am the lowest priority. if you are the most important thing in my life, I need to be the most important one in yours
-don't think you can get away without telling me why you love me. I deserve better.

I finally get a day off tomorrow, and it is much needed. I may have to work in Danville on Sunday from 10-6, which means 9-7 because it is an hour drive. I told the scheduler that I had a really rough couple of weeks, so if she could find someone else, I would appreciate it. She hasn't gotten back to me yet, and that was on Wednesday. i guess I will text her tomorrow night and see what it going on. If I could have two days off in a row, that would be awesome.

Tomorrow, I am running the midnight summer's run. I actually think I am the best shape I have ever been in running wise for this 5k. I guess being stressed and feeling like your world is falling apart is a good motivator to go to the gym and push it extra hard. For a while there, I was just running until my mind stopped racing, and my anxiety got under control. it didn't really last long.

Anyways, I'm better now. I was the classic case of depression for a good 2 weeks. Crying every day, worthlessness, isolation. Jeremy didn't help.

I worked last night until midnight, and I am exhausted this morning.

And, I made my first mistake (that I know of) last night. I gave out a three day emergency supply of metoprolol tartrate instead of metoprolol succinate. one in extended release, the other is dosed 2 times a day. I realized it 3 hours or so after I dispensed it, which it's lucky that I realized it at all. I called the poor woman at 11pm to tell her, but I only got the answering machine. Best case scenerio: she hasn't taken the dose, and checks her voicemail in the morning, hears my message, and stops by the pharmacy at 7 am when we open. Worse case scenerio: she takes the med, suffers severe bradycardia and dies. here's hoping the later doesn't happen. It was only 50 mg tabs, this death is highly unlikely. but you never know. I'm going to call Jennifer right when the pharmay opens to try and get her to call again today. It's going to be hectic there because they are rowwing (is that the right word?) over into a new computer system. Which I haven't been trained on yet. I think I'm going to decline my new CVS shift, especially if it is a midnight one. I need a break.

this has been a rough few weeks. my self esteem is into negative numbers, and I'm very lonely. I don't remember how to be dependent upon myself for happiness. baby steps baby steps.

I need to have fun.

I need to stop caring about what other people think about me.

I need to be content with my actions, my speech, and my beliefs.

I need to get things done.

I need to figure out what's going on with Jeremy and me.

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Seriously, someone with an IP address from Brazil is typing in a google search engine various combinations of "virginia and jeremy fields friends family blog" every few days. Who are you? I'm pretty sure I don't know anyone in Brazil. are you just someone who randomly found this blog or what?