I really missed my mom on Wyatt's birthday. So many mile stones to miss.

I was worried about forgetting moments, but they are all still very clear.  I wish she were still here.

I killed it doing plyometric push ups tonight. I have gone months not being able to do them. Just struggling to get through the time, trying to go through the movements. Then a few weeks ago, I was like eh, I'm almost doing them. Then tonight when i did them, I felt like a fracking trapeze artist flying through the air. I am super proud of myself.

Went to Keeneland today for Family Fun Day- the boys got their face painted- Jeremy wanted to get their extra early to get in line-  We always tell them the line is too long and we never do it, so we did it today.  By the time we made it to the grandstands, I wasn't feeling well.  I had driven separately from the boys because I was going to go to Louisville afterwards to spend time with Dad.  But, I had a slitting headache, and beckett knocked over my water and when some woman turned around and asked for two of our five seats, I was like eff it, I'm leaving.  Seriously lady, we're a family of five, even if three of them are wandering around like crazy people.  That doesn't mean that you can claim our seats.  I took Beckett and headed back to the car, but not without getting harassed by at least three drunk people. Apparently it is hysterically funny to have a double stroller but only one child in it. Seriously?

Anyways, but the time I made it to the car, I was pretty sure I was going to yak. I made it home okay- Beckett crashed as soon as I strapped him in. Tylenol didn't do anything for my headache, but I was able to sleep for a bit (Jeremy ended up getting home about 30 minutes after me).  when I woke up, still had a splitting headache, so I took Sudafed, which helped a lot.  I think it might have just been allergies, although I wasn't itchy or leaking snot like usually allergy symptoms.  Maybe it was a migraine.

Boys had fun playing outside while I was napping, and then again after I got up.  No one got burnt today.

Today was a really good day after I got home from work. Played outside with the boys and it was so nice.  Work was horrible because of stolen postal packages.

I would like to go do my workout, but my right butt cheek keeps cramping, at least for the past 30 minutes of so.  If my fit bit says I've been active for 30 minutes today already, I may just wait until tomorrow and do a double workout.

I've lost about 5 pounds since Mom passed away, and it was not intended. I'm actually below the weight that I'm most comfortable out, and it's a little awkward- a few people at work have commented on it, that I look skinner, and it's sorta like "yeah, that's what happens...."  I don't know---  when you gain 5 pounds people don't comment on it, but when I lose 5 pounds because my mom passed away, it's free territory.  it's just weird. I plan on trying to gain it back, but I'm not going to run out and stuff my face full of cheesecake to do it.  My BMI is still over 21.... it's like I want to tell people to give me a break-   and I know they are just expressing concern.  I guess it's just part of the journey.

It was a really sad day. I went back through Jeremy's Facebook page. My mom liked almost everything.  Her little stamp of "I'm here, I'm watching, I love you".  She just liked things in March. Just last month. It won't be last month soon. Soon it will be years and decades and I won't be able to scroll back to see her likes.

No more stamps. That's devastating right? because when I sit and think about it, it feels like the end of the world. She had so much she wanted to still do. So many more likes.

I miss her

I have this theory about grief. It's very isolating.  Like, people can say, let me know what I can do for you. and I'm here to support you.  But it's this journey you have to take- of memories and love and anger and sadness. You can't stop it or modify it-  it's sorta like this movie that you have to sit and watch and wander when it's going to end.

Friday I spent the entire day crying.  At one point during my workout, I was sobbing. I kept thinking- what am I going to do without her? like, how are days suppose to pass when she isn't here. who is going to watch the boys grow? who is going to give ridiculously horrible Christmas presents, and adore the equally crappy presents I give them?

Saturday was okay- spent it going through stuff in Louisville. But Sunday, I spent the whole day angry.  Angry that people aren't who they claim to be. Angry that after being a daughter-in-law for 13 years, all I get is a condolence text, and excuse about a non-refundable weekend trip.  Angry about all the times that I'm ignore other people's grief. Angry about all the times when I wanted to ignore other people's grief, but I was sucked in.

I have lost my grandparents, but I wasn't very close with them, and for my mother's parents, I didn't even really like them.  Even from a young age, I could tell they were manipulative and at times hateful, and I had little tolerance for them.  For my father's parents, we saw them at holidays, but I didn't spend an ordinate about of time with them. So, when I lost them, it was sad, but I did not experience grief. I remember when my grandmother died when I was a freshman in college, one the girls from my dorm got me a card, and I thought it was such a particular gesture.  I know realize that likely her relationship with her grandmother was a lot stronger than mine.  I felt more sadness for my father when my grandmother and grandfather died, because I saw the pain he was having.

I did experience grief when Jeremy's sister died. and anger.  I did not know her well, and the interactions I had with her weren't pleasant.  But my grief came from his family's grief- the unjusticeness of a life lost and wasted, the horribleness of a crime, the loss of a sister and daughter before she even died- it was devastating. I actually lost my closest friend in pharmacy school because of her death- it was days after her passing, but the heartache that I could not shake like a fist around my heart-- it caused me to hide in the bathroom between classes and squeeze out horrible tears, so I would come back to class with something obviously amiss.  My friend turned to me and said "what is even wrong with you? she was just a druggie"- and then we stopped being friends- in that instance.  I never spoke to him again.  I still don't even think he understands why- several times he approached me and tried to talk to me--- but it was one of those things--- someone who I considered my closest friend at pharmacy school-- I was literally drowning in grief, and he couldn't sense it or sympathize with it- what is the benefit in being friends with someone like that? I realized that the extent of our friendship was being study buddies, and the hours we had spent together meant nothing. and I was done.

So, here is my 2nd round of grief in my life. Maybe I'll be lucky and kick the bucket before Jeremy and before any of the boys.  But I still have my dad- and I've gotten exponentially closer to the old fart since mom died, so that's not going to be any fun. My grandpa lasted until he was 95- hopefully I will have another 30 years to enjoy my father.

Wyatt's birthday is April 29th.

I think I've gone to Louisville more times in the past three weeks than I have in the past 3 years combined.

Went back today to help my dad and sister clean up some things.  My mom had a lot of stuff. Like a lot.

-cards
-fingernail clippers
-rosaries
-pencils/pens

I only cried 4 times today? Although the day isn't over...

Liam had his first soccer practice today.  I wasn't able to watch him much because I was with Wyatt and some with Beckett. Even though it was chilly, it was still beautiful out.

Afterwards, we went to Orange Leaf for icecream to celebrate Beckett's birthday today. Two years old.  Very determine- wants things his own way, even if he changes his mind 20 times in the span of a minute.  Has a jealous streak, and loves his daddy. Unless he's mad at his daddy because he put cereal in a cup, rather than a bowl, and then rather than a baggie.  Then he's a mama's boy.

I keep thinking that as the hours and the days go by, it will get easier. but not yet.  Still very oppressive.  I remember when Jeremy's sister passed away, I would lay awake at night just crippled, and wish that it was  a year from now. Because a year from now it would have to be better.

But I can't wish it to be a year from now.  this grief is a part of the journey- it would be unfair to my mom to wish it away- it would be unfair to the boys to wish away a year of their lives. I can't just go back to the old comfortable routine- wake, get ready, to daycare, to work, call mom, to daycare, to home to play, to workout, to bedtime, to relax, to sleep and then repeat.  Because this grief of my mother is here- in every second, in every thought, in every movement, in every breath, in every tear.

I feel guilty for the all the times that I let my routine give me an excuse to not think of my mother, or go and visit, or not send a text.

I am thankful for my sister Rebecca- I am thankful that she know my heart. I am thankful for my father. I am thankful for the boys and Jeremy, and my pharmacy family.